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He broke up with me via text. To be fair, he texted that he was going into a meeting and would call me after to talk about the fact that I discovered that he was back on JDate although we had taken down our profiles in a show of commitment. But for some reason, instead of waiting to call, he continued typing, confirming our demise, saying that something was “missing” and that, although I was all kinds of wonderful, he “just wasn’t feeling it.”

I immediately panicked. Maybe I’m not good in bed. But then I remembered that we hadn’t slept together yet (I’m old fashioned – or maybe just old).

Unfortunately, he had friended me on Facebook early into our dating (second date). A precarious position because now my Facebook page was no longer safe. I couldn’t even log on without seeing photos of him, posts from him, cute, sexy responses from him from the cute, sexy women who commented on his cute, sexy posts and photos. I could unfriend him, but that would be too obvious. I could unsubscribe from him, but that would be too smart.

Instead, I went out with a girlfriend, drank too many cocktails, then came home and Facebook messaged 3 old boyfriends saying all kinds of things I shouldn’t have said. Content with the promise of my future, I drifted off into a dead sleep.

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The alarm woke me. The light was blinding and my head pounded. And then the night before flashed back. I had drunk messaged 3 old boyfriends! I logged on, suddenly more sick, searching for a way to delete a message on FB, but knowing there was none. I considered apologizing and saying I had been hacked, but I had said far too many personal things for anyone to have made it up.

Resigned to my fate, I checked their responses (which were underwhelming), wished them well in their life, and went back to my home page… just in time to see the newest post from the newest ex, now on a sandy beach, apparently so happy it was “like a religious experience.”

I logged off, swore off his posts and Mojitos, then closed my eyes, then said a little prayer to the Gods of dating myself.